I am an auntie!!

My brother and his wife just literally had their first child!! Woooohoo I am now an auntie!! It takes me back to when I had my little man. Gosh, it'll be 3 years in December. I cannot believe how much he has grown. I really do miss the baby days, but nothing is better then getting kisses and hugs and love from my little man now. Congrats!!

Why must we be so different?

To this day, at almost 30 years old, I still do not understand why men and women have to communicate so differently. Guys tend to close everyone out, whereas most women tend to talk to many people. At least me, lol. But I still cannot figure out why. And to top it off I do not understand how men seem to think that we are just okay with how they act when they need "time." They just completely shut everyone out without a mention of it. They jsut take their space and expect everyone to know what they are doing and why and be okay with no communication. Yeah, not cool guys. Communication is the biggest challenge between the sexes but seriously, if you just say hey, I need some time to myself, that's all it takes. Ugh, but no, that's common sense and lets face it, not a lot of people have that anymore. I just want a text, something, saying Hey, thanks for being there, I still just need to figure this crap out. Still like ya! Bam, easy right? Guess not :(

Who needs enemies when friends treat you worse?

There is nothing worse then when a friend treats you just as bad as an enemy would treat you, or worse, but they do it with a smile on their face and act like it is no big deal. I really do not understand why some people think that they can talk to their "friends" this way and not expect them to be hurt. I know I have very little to no tact when it comes to a lot of things. I am sure I have said things that have hurt people, but I've tried to change that, and when I was told it hurt, then I worked on that. For me, when I have said potential hurtful things, I knew it the moment it left my mouth that it could be bad. But, I am not sure everyone is like that.

A couple of times a friend of mine has made the comment, well look who his mother is, when referring to my son. How in the world would they ever think that that kind of comment wouldn't be mean or hurtful at all? Complaining that my son is being dramatic because um hello, you hurt him and hen saying, well look who his mother is, really? Just thinking about it makes me start to boil.

Further more, when you act like you are my child's mother, and take the liberty and yell at my child right in front of me, or act so offended or tired because he isn't doing what you want. He is 2 for heavens sake, what do you expect. I really thought I would get more respect now that I am a mother, but it seems quite the opposite. You are not a single mom, you have no idea what it is like for me. Even if you know other single parents, guess what? We are all different an to judge me for how I am with my child, makes me want to cry. Seriously, who needs enemies?

Merry Christmas!

Hard to Offer

It is so easy for you to move on

So easy for you to forget how it feels

The constant sadness

The Constant pain

The pain that seems crippling

You were here once

But now, you're free

And you act like the pain is nothing and anyone should be able to beat it

We are all different

Some stronger then others

My pain is different from yours

But you won't see

You won't even look inside to remember how crippling it is

You act like it's not a big deal

When you know deep down that this pain is killing m

Why is it so easy for you to accept help

But so hard for you to offer it?

I can only do so much

Sometimes, people really just do not understand depression. Some people don't deal with it, so they think its no big deal, or people suffer from it and still deny they have it or know how it feels, either way both look down on any person who suffers from depression and cannot understand why we just can't "snap" out of it. If it was that easy, don't you think we would have snapped out of it a long time ago? No one enjoys feeling this way.

I am a single mom, and I am very fortunate to have help from my parents and brother, but that can also be stressful. They mean well, but I feel like he sometimes forget that I am Riley's mother, and seem to take over my job. They may say it's because I am lazy, which hurts because it is the depression, which they don't understand. Or they do it because they think I'm doing a crappy job? I don't know, but a lot of the times I can't even get a word in before someone is taking over. That stresses me out. Then, they get mad because I am not doing anything, well, you took over, what should I do? I am not a strict parent, and my family seems to be more strict then me and I always seem to get the evil eye, or bad mouthed because I don't share the same parenting style.

It is so hard when I feel that people are doing things out of obligation and not to honestly want to help out. I know me and I know my issues, and people just seem to think I should get over it, or be over it by now. Well, it isn't something that just goes away and I am so sorry that I cannot heal fast enough for you. I have so much hurt and anger inside of me I feel like exploding. People get mad at me too when my son does something wrong. Honestly, wtf am I suppose to do? Kids get into things, so you get pissed off and make me feel like a horrible mom? Awesome.

I am just at a loss of what to do. I had a tough day with Riley today. He was testing boundaries, which they do, but with that added stress, I was very short today. I hate myself when I let the other shit effect how I act with Riley, but I do not know what to do anymore, my resolve is wearing thin and I a afraid of what'll happen if I lose it.

I get what your saying, but you don't understand me.

Okay, so when it comes to relationships everyone seems to have the best advice. If it worked for them, then it obviously should work for you right? Wrong!! I have heard everything under the moon when it comes to finding a nice guy. Don't look for him, he'll come to you, try looking at guys you don't normally look for, no one can love you until you love yourself, and I don't love God enough to have a good man in my life. Really?! It is so very frustrating.

I know I am a good person, do I get overly excited when I first meet someone I like? Yes, is that bad? Well with the wrong guys yes, but in a way its not because it helps weed out the bad ones. However, so I ever see those signs, or listen to my gut? Nope. This last guy I met, I totally missed all the sign right in front of me. I did pray that things would go well (Yes, I do believe in and love God, so that theory blows) and I asked for a sign. The next day, I barely heard from this guy. HELLO SIGN right in front of me, and I completely ignored it. Apparently when I ask for things, I need to pay more attention.

It's not that I need a guy to make me happy. I have Riley, he will always make me happy. We all get lonely, and again, yes I have Riley, and he will always fill my heart with love, but there is just certain attention a boyfriend/relationship can bring. I do believe it'll happen when it is meant to, it is just very hard to be patient. I don't believe I am doing anything wrong, for I also believe everyone that enters your life has a purpose, but it is just becoming very tiring and just makes me want to give up. People always say, oh Ashley you are so young, don't worry about it. Well, I am 29, and I guess that is young to some people, but I never wanted to be single for majority of my life, so excuse me if I take offense to that statement.

I am not bashing the person who said that I don't love God enough, or he wasn't in my life enough at all. But in a way it kind of offends me. Who is anyone to say that my relationship with God effects who comes into my life? There are a lot of people who don't even believe in God, so what would this person say to them?

There are many factors that make dating hard for me. None that need to be displayed all over the internet, lol, but I am just like everyone else who wants to be loved, and not judged for it.

Life just sucks sometimes.

Finally, FINALLY I actually met someone who I do not pick apart at all, and who I actually like, and what what do I do?! Freak out of course. I cannot stop texting him. He's going to think I am nuts and say goodbye to me very soon. Okay, so granted we've met and hung out once, but sometimes isn't that all a persons needs to know whether or not they like a person? There is an obvious physical connection, which lets be honest, a lot of people need to even consider dating someone. So plus 1 for that, but we haven't had the chance to really get to know each other, and I'm freaking out because I want to get to know him and he is just being a typical guy and not too concerned about making plans or what not.

We agreed to hang out this weekend. Just said, yeah we should hang out again, we talked about going to a movie. We didn't make specific plans, just figured we would work around my work schedule and his plans. Well, that's not happening. He decided to go up north today and I'm not sure if he will be back tomorrow, and he will be busy this next week, he has his week with his son. I am not going to bug him to hang out when he has his son, I'm not that pathetic. However, I'd like to not wait a week to be able to hang out again. That isn't clingy is it? If it is, I am not seeing it. I just wanna get to know him more, but I have a feeling I'm coming off clingy and attached. Ugh, I cannot win. Either I like them, then do my normal pick them apart thing, or I like them and I cannot back off. I'm so ready for the one, and the fact that I didn't pick him apart, makes me very excited, but I cannot seem to calm down and let things flow, UGH! I need help!! HELP ME ANYONE!

Work, Website and what not!

Ha, I just made a funny joke in my head. Today is Wednesday and my post is 3 W's, Work, Website and What not! Oh, I am so easily amused! Anyway, so my hours are FINALLY picking up at work, which is nice, but I got so used to being at home all the time, I really don't want to work at Target lol. It's nice though, nice people, pay isn't great, but it is a job right? But I recently re-designed an authors website and I want to do that all the time!! She was so thankful and appreciative and is spreading the love about me and that is just awesome! Being able to help anyone out like that makes me feel great!! I really hope I can continue to do more, and make it more of a constant thing. I did add my book covers and what not into the section names Redbird Designs. Make it a little easier for people to find. I can do many different things, bookmarks, websites, book cover, character banners etc... so I'm hoping the new section will help.

I'm off to bed, because I work again tomorrow, which is good money but again I'm totally not used to!! Check out my design, e-mail me if you have any questions!!!

Sad thoughts :(

The hardest thing in the world for me is dating. It has always been a problem. I was always the girl in high school who wanted a boyfriend so bad, but never got one, or if I did, not a very good one. My high school "sweetheart" and I broke up with my high school boyfriend in 2001,a few months after I graduated, and went about 2-3 years without dealing with guys, just focusing on school and what not, then I decided to chase my dream of being an Professional Wrestler. Oh yeah, you read that correctly. Check me out!

Anyway, I started wrestling and I met a lot of awesome people, and a lot of guys. But the same things happened here just like they did in high school. Always wanted to date someone but no one wanted to seriously date,or if thy did, they were not good for me. I eventually quit, for multiple reasons, but I really needed to get away from the drama.

So I leave wrestling, and meet guys here and there at the bars or places I went to hang out with my friends. Again, not good guys for me. So I decide to try a dating website. I signed up for Match.com and that is where I met Jon. That is where everything changed for me. Jon was super cute and we got along great, I really like him and vice versa, and I remember him saying to me one night when we were driving around. He said "I'm scared/sad because I really like you." Little did I know at the time, the reason he said that was because he was an alcoholic and he knew he was going to destroy me, and that's exactly what he did.

Me and Jon were together for about 8 months. He never abused me or anything horrible like that,  but what he did was tear apart all my trust and faith that I had in people. He got me to completely fall for him before he told me he was an alcoholic, and of course by then, I had already fallen for him, so like any naive girl, I wanted to help him. I know now that people with addiction can only get help if they want it, and they have to do a lot of it alone, mentally. Back then, I didn't know that. I would have done anything for him, I drove him to get beer all the time, snuck booze for him at my parents house everything. Eventually he cheated on me. By that time he was tired of my parents I think, they could see him for what he was, but of course I couldn't. And like a fool, I took him back. He eventually left to go stay with his "friend" in another state, which he told me later , he got her pregnant. He came back into my life a few times since then and it took all my strength that I have built up since he destroyed me and the help of my friend Jamie, who was the one he cheated on me with (we didnt know each other at the time) to tell him I was done and to not call me anymore.

After that whole mess, when I met guys or got into a relationship, things were different. I started to nit pick people so I wouldn't like them anymore, so I wouldn't get hurt. Of course, that doesn't work because I got hurt even more in the end. Sadly, this still seems to be the case. It happened wit Riley's father too, but I forced myself to move past it, and I was starting to, then that whole mess happened. I'm ashamed I have allowed these men to mess me up so badly, but I don't know how to fix it. I feel they have turned me into this shallow girl who demands perfection or I will just through possible love interests away.

I so deeply want to be in love and have a bigger family, I have said to my friends before that if it was just me and Riley for the rest of my life I'd be okay with that, and I honestly would, I guess I just ever thought that is actually what it will end up being. I just hate what has happened to me and I don't know how to fix i, to find that love that is waiting for me.

Random thoughts...

So finally I am getting more hours at work. It will be nice to actually make money that I can use to buy things, instead of just pay bills. Welcome to adulthood I guess right? Seriously though, no one can survive on the little pay I have been getting. Thank goodness I am able to live with my parents still while I have Riley. He loves it here too, lets be honest, so do I! hehe. Sadly, even though I am getting more hours, it still isn't enough for me to feel comfortable for those weeks that I do not get scheduled many hours. I so very much love making book covers and character banners, as you can see, but I honestly have no idea on how to marked myself. Any idea would be helpful!

Onto another awesome thing, I recently just finished a book and wrote a review for Intangible. WOW, I am SO in love with his book. Here is comments the author made to me about my review:

"I'm so thrilled to hear that...you have no idea. :-) Yours is one of the BEST reviews. Thank you, thank you, thank you!" - J. Meyers

Another reason, yet again, I love reading and reviewing books. Seriously, you need to check this book out, it will blow your mind!

Also...this is why I review!

I recently read and reviewed Collision by Berinn Rae, she posted this on her facebook page today:

"Wowza! This early review of COLLISION (coming out July 30 but up for pre-buy now) by Ashley Byland of Step Into Fiction seriously made me squee! SQUEEEEEEE!

Step Into Fiction: Collision by Berinn Rae Review

stepintofiction.blogspot.com"

This is why I love to review and why I love indie authors!!!

Things...

Well, things have been interesting the past few days. I will spare you all the tmi information but I had a doctors appointment today, and things gladly went better then expected. We are still trying to work out one problem, but it isn't going to really turn into anything too serious, so I'm pleased we will eventually figure it out. One big reason I was scared, wasn't as big as I thought, thank god! But needless to say, I still feel physically the same way I did prior to the doctor so that part blows. Onto books!

I've read a lot of books this month. It may not seem a lot to others, but with an almost 19 month old, my reading time is very limited. I also read more then 1 book at a time. People still always ask me how I can do this. Simple, all the stories are very different, therefore I don't mix them up. I am currently trying to focus most of my attention on Lucid, and its getting very interesting, and making me not want to stop. I am also reading 2 other books, Döckálfar by Saga Berg and Intangible by J. Meyers. Döckálfar is a novella, so that is already half way done. And I actually have yet to start Intangible quite yet, haha. But I am loving this book read a thon I am on!!

I'm still trying to find more ways I can make money while staying at home with Riley. I'm still waiting to do more book covers, but I'm afraid not that many people know about me yet. So hopefully something will pop up soon so I am able to stay home with Riley more!!

Trying on dresses

So today, I went with my mom and brother's fiance and her friend and step mom to look at wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses. We got to David's Bridal at 10 am right when they opened and it didn't take too long for them to get busy, sadly a lot of the dress's Heather wanted to try on they didn't have but when she finally found one she liked, we all were like "Ahhhh". I'm not going to say much more because I don't want to give anything away to my brother ;)

Rachel and me and both bridesmaids so we looked at the dresses to see what we liked. We had a few picked out and the first one we both tried on, we loved. Easy peasy! So comfortable, and I'm in the same size I was for my best friends wedding, so that makes me feel good, though the style is much different, but pfft, same size! yay!! I'm really going to try to start to work on my arms though. Rachel and I both have things we want to hid, lol also Heather, so we are all gonna start to do some work outs!! Either way, we are all gonna look amazing, especially Heather, and it's going to be on kick ass wedding!! If you know my brother, you know this is true, hehe.

What Makes a Good Cover Artist...

Today I am being featured over at the lovely Bonnie R. Paulson's blog , talking about why and how I love to review and make book covers please go check it out and spread the word!!!

Bonnie R. Paulson's Blog

Funny Things

It is funny how when you are pregnant, people tell you that once you have your child, everyone and their mother will tell you either how to raise the baby or what you are doing wrong.That is so true, but even the people who tell you that tell you what you're doing wrong or what you should do. Giving advice is one thing, making people feel like they are doing a horrible job is another.People for the most part are not stupid so they can tell when they are being talked down to. I'll admit I may not agree with the different ways some people may take care of their children, but it isn't my place to make them feel bad for it because they raise their kids in a different way then I raise mine.

One example, Riley slept in my bed with me from birth till he was about 6-7 months. Holy crap, did I ever hear it from other people. Anything ranging from they need to learn independence, to you are going to kill him and crush him in your sleep. Seriously? For one thing, it's my decision where I want him to sleep, I always knew where he was, so I was not worried about crushing him, and independence when he is 6-7 months old?! I think not. He is 18 months old now, been sleeping in his crib, alone, for more then half his life, he is fine! That brings me onto another thing.

Some people when they put their kids down for a nap, they just put them in their crib and either their child falls asleep or cries until they fall asleep. Nothing wrong with that at all. ME? I don't do that. I take him down for nap time and bed time, have some milk and rock with him till he falls asleep. Now I know some "experts" say that they need to learn to fall asleep on their own. Well, I've also done it the other way too and Riley can fall asleep fine, so why should I be forced to give up my bonding tie with my son so he can scream and be miserable before nap or bed time? I don't see anything wrong with it, but I can guarantee someone will.

Birthday

Well, today is my 29th birthday. Not a special birthday, just another ordinary birthday. Next year I guess it a big one, the big 3-0. One thing about birthdays is that they make you reflect on your life. Am I where I thought I'd be at 29? That's a big no, but honestly, where did I think I would be. I know I wanted to have children before I was 30, well I have Riley, I also wanted to married, I kind of skipped that one. Usually its marriage then babies. Oops!

Career wise, I'm definitely not where I'd thought I be. I'm a cashier at Target, not what I went to school for, and even though I have a Bachelors, I'm not even going to use it. But with that said, I am thinking about going back to school once again. I am gonna get my Associates in Web Graphic Design I think. I love doing web graphics, book covers (obviously) and web pages, so I think this is the best option. Hopefully one day I can stay at home and work and be with Riley.

We shall see what the future holds, I'm happy just to be able to have another birthday.

One more thing, my bestie (sister) Lauren bought me this for my birthday!

Ashley Redbird...Writer?

So, if you read before I am struggling with what I want to do with my life. Ideally I'd love to stay at home with Riley, but being a single mom doesn't allow me that luxury. A friend of mine encouraged me to write. I always have so many ideas in my head, but when it comes to writing I am very much ADD with it. I am by n means a writer, I summarize everything I write. I remember when I was in college, every 5 weeks we had to write a 8 page paper, my classes only lasted 5 weeks at a time, so you think by the end of my few years there I'd have writing an 8 page paper down. Nope, I don't think I ever got to a full 8 pages. I have ideas, I just don't know how to express them or how to expand on them to make them longer. So, that is what I thought when Lauren told me to write. But since I have no idea what the heck I want to do, I thought, what the hell? My good author friend, Berinn, told me to just write. She said it took her a year to write her first story. Oi, that's a long time. But if I just keep writing, I will at least get my ideas out and who knows what will come form that?! I still want to make book covers for authors too, so I hope I can do more of those soon as well. Wish me luck!!!

Who knows

I like having all this time off to spend with Riley, but I do need money. As much as I just loathe work sometimes, I still need to do it and get paid. But in 2 weeks I only have 16 hours total, that really makes it hard for me to really do anything. It is kind of bumming me out. But on a happier note, I was able to make a web layout for my friend Becky @ Book Bite Reviews. Layout design in blogger is still new to me, but I was able to help her out and that made me feel good.

I still really haven't figured out what I want to do with my life. I have my bachelor's degree but now that I have it, I'm just like well, now what? I love history, but to do what what I really want with history, I'd have to move to a bigger city with a big museum. Or get my masters or phd to teach specific history. But I also love designing. I would LOVE to be able to make book covers for a living, but I don't really know how to go about doing that either. I really do not know what to do.

Some pictures of my love!