Saturday, October 27, 2012

Hard to Offer

It is so easy for you to move on
So easy for you to forget how it feels
The constant sadness
The Constant pain
The pain that seems crippling
You were here once
But now, you're free
And you act like the pain is nothing and anyone should be able to beat it
We are all different
Some stronger then others
My pain is different from yours
But you won't see
You won't even look inside to remember how crippling it is
You act like it's not a big deal
When you know deep down that this pain is killing m
Why is it so easy for you to accept help
But so hard for you to offer it?

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I can only do so much

Sometimes, people really just do not understand depression. Some people don't deal with it, so they think its no big deal, or people suffer from it and still deny they have it or know how it feels, either way both look down on any person who suffers from depression and cannot understand why we just can't "snap" out of it. If it was that easy, don't you think we would have snapped out of it a long time ago? No one enjoys feeling this way.

I am a single mom, and I am very fortunate to have help from my parents and brother, but that can also be stressful. They mean well, but I feel like he sometimes forget that I am Riley's mother, and seem to take over my job. They may say it's because I am lazy, which hurts because it is the depression, which they don't understand. Or they do it because they think I'm doing a crappy job? I don't know, but a lot of the times I can't even get a word in before someone is taking over. That stresses me out. Then, they get mad because I am not doing anything, well, you took over, what should I do? I am not a strict parent, and my family seems to be more strict then me and I always seem to get the evil eye, or bad mouthed because I don't share the same parenting style.

It is so hard when I feel that people are doing things out of obligation and not to honestly want to help out. I know me and I know my issues, and people just seem to think I should get over it, or be over it by now. Well, it isn't something that just goes away and I am so sorry that I cannot heal fast enough for you. I have so much hurt and anger inside of me I feel like exploding. People get mad at me too when my son does something wrong. Honestly, wtf am I suppose to do? Kids get into things, so you get pissed off and make me feel like a horrible mom? Awesome.

I am just at a loss of what to do. I had a tough day with Riley today. He was testing boundaries, which they do, but with that added stress, I was very short today. I hate myself when I let the other shit effect how I act with Riley, but I do not know what to do anymore, my resolve is wearing thin and I a afraid of what'll happen if I lose it.