Saturday, October 27, 2012

Hard to Offer

It is so easy for you to move on
So easy for you to forget how it feels
The constant sadness
The Constant pain
The pain that seems crippling
You were here once
But now, you're free
And you act like the pain is nothing and anyone should be able to beat it
We are all different
Some stronger then others
My pain is different from yours
But you won't see
You won't even look inside to remember how crippling it is
You act like it's not a big deal
When you know deep down that this pain is killing m
Why is it so easy for you to accept help
But so hard for you to offer it?

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I can only do so much

Sometimes, people really just do not understand depression. Some people don't deal with it, so they think its no big deal, or people suffer from it and still deny they have it or know how it feels, either way both look down on any person who suffers from depression and cannot understand why we just can't "snap" out of it. If it was that easy, don't you think we would have snapped out of it a long time ago? No one enjoys feeling this way.

I am a single mom, and I am very fortunate to have help from my parents and brother, but that can also be stressful. They mean well, but I feel like he sometimes forget that I am Riley's mother, and seem to take over my job. They may say it's because I am lazy, which hurts because it is the depression, which they don't understand. Or they do it because they think I'm doing a crappy job? I don't know, but a lot of the times I can't even get a word in before someone is taking over. That stresses me out. Then, they get mad because I am not doing anything, well, you took over, what should I do? I am not a strict parent, and my family seems to be more strict then me and I always seem to get the evil eye, or bad mouthed because I don't share the same parenting style.

It is so hard when I feel that people are doing things out of obligation and not to honestly want to help out. I know me and I know my issues, and people just seem to think I should get over it, or be over it by now. Well, it isn't something that just goes away and I am so sorry that I cannot heal fast enough for you. I have so much hurt and anger inside of me I feel like exploding. People get mad at me too when my son does something wrong. Honestly, wtf am I suppose to do? Kids get into things, so you get pissed off and make me feel like a horrible mom? Awesome.

I am just at a loss of what to do. I had a tough day with Riley today. He was testing boundaries, which they do, but with that added stress, I was very short today. I hate myself when I let the other shit effect how I act with Riley, but I do not know what to do anymore, my resolve is wearing thin and I a afraid of what'll happen if I lose it.

Friday, September 21, 2012

I get what your saying, but you don't understand me.

Okay, so when it comes to relationships everyone seems to have the best advice. If it worked for them, then it obviously should work for you right? Wrong!! I have heard everything under the moon when it comes to finding a nice guy. Don't look for him, he'll come to you, try looking at guys you don't normally look for, no one can love you until you love yourself, and I don't love God enough to have a good man in my life. Really?! It is so very frustrating.

I know I am a good person, do I get overly excited when I first meet someone I like? Yes, is that bad? Well with the wrong guys yes, but in a way its not because it helps weed out the bad ones. However, so I ever see those signs, or listen to my gut? Nope. This last guy I met, I totally missed all the sign right in front of me. I did pray that things would go well (Yes, I do believe in and love God, so that theory blows) and I asked for a sign. The next day, I barely heard from this guy. HELLO SIGN right in front of me, and I completely ignored it. Apparently when I ask for things, I need to pay more attention.

It's not that I need a guy to make me happy. I have Riley, he will always make me happy. We all get lonely, and again, yes I have Riley, and he will always fill my heart with love, but there is just certain attention a boyfriend/relationship can bring. I do believe it'll happen when it is meant to, it is just very hard to be patient. I don't believe I am doing anything wrong, for I also believe everyone that enters your life has a purpose, but it is just becoming very tiring and just makes me want to give up. People always say, oh Ashley you are so young, don't worry about it. Well, I am 29, and I guess that is young to some people, but I never wanted to be single for majority of my life, so excuse me if I take offense to that statement.

I am not bashing the person who said that I don't love God enough, or he wasn't in my life enough at all. But in a way it kind of offends me. Who is anyone to say that my relationship with God effects who comes into my life? There are a lot of people who don't even believe in God, so what would this person say to them?

There are many factors that make dating hard for me. None that need to be displayed all over the internet, lol, but I am just like everyone else who wants to be loved, and not judged for it.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Life just sucks sometimes.

Finally, FINALLY I actually met someone who I do not pick apart at all, and who I actually like, and what what do I do?! Freak out of course. I cannot stop texting him. He's going to think I am nuts and say goodbye to me very soon. Okay, so granted we've met and hung out once, but sometimes isn't that all a persons needs to know whether or not they like a person? There is an obvious physical connection, which lets be honest, a lot of people need to even consider dating someone. So plus 1 for that, but we haven't had the chance to really get to know each other, and I'm freaking out because I want to get to know him and he is just being a typical guy and not too concerned about making plans or what not.

We agreed to hang out this weekend. Just said, yeah we should hang out again, we talked about going to a movie. We didn't make specific plans, just figured we would work around my work schedule and his plans. Well, that's not happening. He decided to go up north today and I'm not sure if he will be back tomorrow, and he will be busy this next week, he has his week with his son. I am not going to bug him to hang out when he has his son, I'm not that pathetic. However, I'd like to not wait a week to be able to hang out again. That isn't clingy is it? If it is, I am not seeing it. I just wanna get to know him more, but I have a feeling I'm coming off clingy and attached. Ugh, I cannot win. Either I like them, then do my normal pick them apart thing, or I like them and I cannot back off. I'm so ready for the one, and the fact that I didn't pick him apart, makes me very excited, but I cannot seem to calm down and let things flow, UGH! I need help!! HELP ME ANYONE!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Work, Website and what not!

Ha, I just made a funny joke in my head. Today is Wednesday and my post is 3 W's, Work, Website and What not! Oh, I am so easily amused! Anyway, so my hours are FINALLY picking up at work, which is nice, but I got so used to being at home all the time, I really don't want to work at Target lol. It's nice though, nice people, pay isn't great, but it is a job right? But I recently re-designed an authors website and I want to do that all the time!! She was so thankful and appreciative and is spreading the love about me and that is just awesome! Being able to help anyone out like that makes me feel great!! I really hope I can continue to do more, and make it more of a constant thing. I did add my book covers and what not into the section names Redbird Designs. Make it a little easier for people to find. I can do many different things, bookmarks, websites, book cover, character banners etc... so I'm hoping the new section will help.

I'm off to bed, because I work again tomorrow, which is good money but again I'm totally not used to!! Check out my design, e-mail me if you have any questions!!!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Sad thoughts :(

The hardest thing in the world for me is dating. It has always been a problem. I was always the girl in high school who wanted a boyfriend so bad, but never got one, or if I did, not a very good one. My high school "sweetheart" and I broke up with my high school boyfriend in 2001,a few months after I graduated, and went about 2-3 years without dealing with guys, just focusing on school and what not, then I decided to chase my dream of being an Professional Wrestler. Oh yeah, you read that correctly. Check me out!

Anyway, I started wrestling and I met a lot of awesome people, and a lot of guys. But the same things happened here just like they did in high school. Always wanted to date someone but no one wanted to seriously date,or if thy did, they were not good for me. I eventually quit, for multiple reasons, but I really needed to get away from the drama.

So I leave wrestling, and meet guys here and there at the bars or places I went to hang out with my friends. Again, not good guys for me. So I decide to try a dating website. I signed up for and that is where I met Jon. That is where everything changed for me. Jon was super cute and we got along great, I really like him and vice versa, and I remember him saying to me one night when we were driving around. He said "I'm scared/sad because I really like you." Little did I know at the time, the reason he said that was because he was an alcoholic and he knew he was going to destroy me, and that's exactly what he did.

Me and Jon were together for about 8 months. He never abused me or anything horrible like that,  but what he did was tear apart all my trust and faith that I had in people. He got me to completely fall for him before he told me he was an alcoholic, and of course by then, I had already fallen for him, so like any naive girl, I wanted to help him. I know now that people with addiction can only get help if they want it, and they have to do a lot of it alone, mentally. Back then, I didn't know that. I would have done anything for him, I drove him to get beer all the time, snuck booze for him at my parents house everything. Eventually he cheated on me. By that time he was tired of my parents I think, they could see him for what he was, but of course I couldn't. And like a fool, I took him back. He eventually left to go stay with his "friend" in another state, which he told me later , he got her pregnant. He came back into my life a few times since then and it took all my strength that I have built up since he destroyed me and the help of my friend Jamie, who was the one he cheated on me with (we didnt know each other at the time) to tell him I was done and to not call me anymore.

After that whole mess, when I met guys or got into a relationship, things were different. I started to nit pick people so I wouldn't like them anymore, so I wouldn't get hurt. Of course, that doesn't work because I got hurt even more in the end. Sadly, this still seems to be the case. It happened wit Riley's father too, but I forced myself to move past it, and I was starting to, then that whole mess happened. I'm ashamed I have allowed these men to mess me up so badly, but I don't know how to fix it. I feel they have turned me into this shallow girl who demands perfection or I will just through possible love interests away.

I so deeply want to be in love and have a bigger family, I have said to my friends before that if it was just me and Riley for the rest of my life I'd be okay with that, and I honestly would, I guess I just ever thought that is actually what it will end up being. I just hate what has happened to me and I don't know how to fix i, to find that love that is waiting for me.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Random thoughts...

So finally I am getting more hours at work. It will be nice to actually make money that I can use to buy things, instead of just pay bills. Welcome to adulthood I guess right? Seriously though, no one can survive on the little pay I have been getting. Thank goodness I am able to live with my parents still while I have Riley. He loves it here too, lets be honest, so do I! hehe. Sadly, even though I am getting more hours, it still isn't enough for me to feel comfortable for those weeks that I do not get scheduled many hours. I so very much love making book covers and character banners, as you can see, but I honestly have no idea on how to marked myself. Any idea would be helpful!

Onto another awesome thing, I recently just finished a book and wrote a review for Intangible. WOW, I am SO in love with his book. Here is comments the author made to me about my review:

"I'm so thrilled to hear have no idea. :-) Yours is one of the BEST reviews. Thank you, thank you, thank you!" - J. Meyers

Another reason, yet again, I love reading and reviewing books. Seriously, you need to check this book out, it will blow your mind!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Also...this is why I review!
I recently read and reviewed Collision by Berinn Rae, she posted this on her facebook page today:
"Wowza! This early review of COLLISION (coming out July 30 but up for pre-buy now) by Ashley Byland of Step Into Fiction seriously made me squee! SQUEEEEEEE!

This is why I love to review and why I love indie authors!!!


Well, things have been interesting the past few days. I will spare you all the tmi information but I had a doctors appointment today, and things gladly went better then expected. We are still trying to work out one problem, but it isn't going to really turn into anything too serious, so I'm pleased we will eventually figure it out. One big reason I was scared, wasn't as big as I thought, thank god! But needless to say, I still feel physically the same way I did prior to the doctor so that part blows. Onto books!

I've read a lot of books this month. It may not seem a lot to others, but with an almost 19 month old, my reading time is very limited. I also read more then 1 book at a time. People still always ask me how I can do this. Simple, all the stories are very different, therefore I don't mix them up. I am currently trying to focus most of my attention on Lucid, and its getting very interesting, and making me not want to stop. I am also reading 2 other books, Döckálfar by Saga Berg and Intangible by J. Meyers. Döckálfar is a novella, so that is already half way done. And I actually have yet to start Intangible quite yet, haha. But I am loving this book read a thon I am on!!

I'm still trying to find more ways I can make money while staying at home with Riley. I'm still waiting to do more book covers, but I'm afraid not that many people know about me yet. So hopefully something will pop up soon so I am able to stay home with Riley more!!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Trying on dresses

So today, I went with my mom and brother's fiance and her friend and step mom to look at wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses. We got to David's Bridal at 10 am right when they opened and it didn't take too long for them to get busy, sadly a lot of the dress's Heather wanted to try on they didn't have but when she finally found one she liked, we all were like "Ahhhh". I'm not going to say much more because I don't want to give anything away to my brother ;)

Rachel and me and both bridesmaids so we looked at the dresses to see what we liked. We had a few picked out and the first one we both tried on, we loved. Easy peasy! So comfortable, and I'm in the same size I was for my best friends wedding, so that makes me feel good, though the style is much different, but pfft, same size! yay!! I'm really going to try to start to work on my arms though. Rachel and I both have things we want to hid, lol also Heather, so we are all gonna start to do some work outs!! Either way, we are all gonna look amazing, especially Heather, and it's going to be on kick ass wedding!! If you know my brother, you know this is true, hehe.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

What Makes a Good Cover Artist...

Today I am being featured over at the lovely Bonnie R. Paulson's blog , talking about why and how I love to review and make book covers please go check it out and spread the word!!!

Bonnie R. Paulson's Blog

Friday, June 29, 2012

Funny Things

It is funny how when you are pregnant, people tell you that once you have your child, everyone and their mother will tell you either how to raise the baby or what you are doing wrong.That is so true, but even the people who tell you that tell you what you're doing wrong or what you should do. Giving advice is one thing, making people feel like they are doing a horrible job is another.People for the most part are not stupid so they can tell when they are being talked down to. I'll admit I may not agree with the different ways some people may take care of their children, but it isn't my place to make them feel bad for it because they raise their kids in a different way then I raise mine.

One example, Riley slept in my bed with me from birth till he was about 6-7 months. Holy crap, did I ever hear it from other people. Anything ranging from they need to learn independence, to you are going to kill him and crush him in your sleep. Seriously? For one thing, it's my decision where I want him to sleep, I always knew where he was, so I was not worried about crushing him, and independence when he is 6-7 months old?! I think not. He is 18 months old now, been sleeping in his crib, alone, for more then half his life, he is fine! That brings me onto another thing.

Some people when they put their kids down for a nap, they just put them in their crib and either their child falls asleep or cries until they fall asleep. Nothing wrong with that at all. ME? I don't do that. I take him down for nap time and bed time, have some milk and rock with him till he falls asleep. Now I know some "experts" say that they need to learn to fall asleep on their own. Well, I've also done it the other way too and Riley can fall asleep fine, so why should I be forced to give up my bonding tie with my son so he can scream and be miserable before nap or bed time? I don't see anything wrong with it, but I can guarantee someone will.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Well, today is my 29th birthday. Not a special birthday, just another ordinary birthday. Next year I guess it a big one, the big 3-0. One thing about birthdays is that they make you reflect on your life. Am I where I thought I'd be at 29? That's a big no, but honestly, where did I think I would be. I know I wanted to have children before I was 30, well I have Riley, I also wanted to married, I kind of skipped that one. Usually its marriage then babies. Oops!

Career wise, I'm definitely not where I'd thought I be. I'm a cashier at Target, not what I went to school for, and even though I have a Bachelors, I'm not even going to use it. But with that said, I am thinking about going back to school once again. I am gonna get my Associates in Web Graphic Design I think. I love doing web graphics, book covers (obviously) and web pages, so I think this is the best option. Hopefully one day I can stay at home and work and be with Riley.

We shall see what the future holds, I'm happy just to be able to have another birthday.

One more thing, my bestie (sister) Lauren bought me this for my birthday!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Ashley Redbird...Writer?

So, if you read before I am struggling with what I want to do with my life. Ideally I'd love to stay at home with Riley, but being a single mom doesn't allow me that luxury. A friend of mine encouraged me to write. I always have so many ideas in my head, but when it comes to writing I am very much ADD with it. I am by n means a writer, I summarize everything I write. I remember when I was in college, every 5 weeks we had to write a 8 page paper, my classes only lasted 5 weeks at a time, so you think by the end of my few years there I'd have writing an 8 page paper down. Nope, I don't think I ever got to a full 8 pages. I have ideas, I just don't know how to express them or how to expand on them to make them longer. So, that is what I thought when Lauren told me to write. But since I have no idea what the heck I want to do, I thought, what the hell? My good author friend, Berinn, told me to just write. She said it took her a year to write her first story. Oi, that's a long time. But if I just keep writing, I will at least get my ideas out and who knows what will come form that?! I still want to make book covers for authors too, so I hope I can do more of those soon as well. Wish me luck!!!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Who knows

I like having all this time off to spend with Riley, but I do need money. As much as I just loathe work sometimes, I still need to do it and get paid. But in 2 weeks I only have 16 hours total, that really makes it hard for me to really do anything. It is kind of bumming me out. But on a happier note, I was able to make a web layout for my friend Becky @ Book Bite Reviews. Layout design in blogger is still new to me, but I was able to help her out and that made me feel good.

I still really haven't figured out what I want to do with my life. I have my bachelor's degree but now that I have it, I'm just like well, now what? I love history, but to do what what I really want with history, I'd have to move to a bigger city with a big museum. Or get my masters or phd to teach specific history. But I also love designing. I would LOVE to be able to make book covers for a living, but I don't really know how to go about doing that either. I really do not know what to do.

Friday, April 13, 2012

I don't get things....

Life has changed so much since I've had Riley. Some good, some bad. He makes me world worth living. He is my life, and it seems that some people in all honesty do not understand that. I very much miss hanging out with my friends, but unlike most of my friends who do have kids, I do not have a husband, so I cannot just leave him with his "dad" and go and hang out. My parents do help me out when I work, and we all live together, but that doesn't make them automatic baby sitters. I feel guilty enough leaving Riley with them when I work. It is very generous of them to do this for me. Granted it is their grandson, but they are much older and its been awhile since they've dealt with kids, so it's not as easy to have them baby sit all the time. Nor should I just assume that they will baby sit so I can go party or get drunk. Which I don't drink anymore anyway. That is another issue I don't think people get either, which is really sad. So, like I said, I am not married, so the person who puts Riley to bed, and the only person who has is me, his mother. I do not expect my parents to ever have to do this, I don't work late so I can be home so I can put him to bed. It isn't my parents job to do this. I am his mother, it is my job. Once again, another issue some people do not understand. I really thought I would have more incommonw ith people once I had Riley, but it just sees like it is pulling me away from everyone, and no one honestly seems to care or notice.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Easter...and other jazz.

Work was so busy today, you could have sworn it was Christmas. I cashier at Target, in case you were wondering. Now, it seems to me, and this has been my thought for a long long time, holidays are becoming way to commercial. Does anyone even know the reason why we celebrate these holidays anymore? It makes me sad that there is absolutely no religious type gifts in my store for any holiday. Easter and Christmas are the 2 major  ones and there is just nothing around. I suppose for Christmas there is more stuff, but Easter is a very special time and nadda. I am not by any means a very religious person, but I have my beliefs and I was raised catholic, and Jesus means something to me, and I am going to make sure Riley knows and loves Jesus very much. I don't want him to get wrapped up in the whole commercialism of it all.

Anyway, onto something fun!!! I got his in the mail today:
From my author friend Berinn Rae. She loves me!! Now I have her first 2 book, and they are both signed, I'm gonna make sure I get all her books signed. By the way, check out her Guardians of the Seven Seals series, LOVE IT!! this new one, Hellbound is my favorite so far! And speaking of Hellbound, I made 2 new character banners for Hellbound, please go check them out!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Bras, UGH!!!

Ok, why on earth does bra shopping have to be so damn hard. I mean come on now. Ugh, I guess before I had Riley, it was easier. I like how I wen to Victoria's Secret today, they measured me a 40C, but said that is equal to 38D. Okay, well um isn't there a difference between 38 and 40? B/c I can tell you, a 38 is TIGHT! I suppose with the cup sizes, that is where the difference is. But honestly, a D cup? Momma don't have enough boobs for a D cup. It's better that I have a different cup size or get a larger band size so it isn't digging into me, but I mean, I always have gapping, always at the top, it is not comfortable. I have mom boos, lmao as my friend Crystal would say. I wish these bras weren't so damn expensive too. I think I will try to find a 40C at Target, just to see how that feels, but that is a hard size to find even at Target, lol. Just give me a boob job and I'll be fine! That's my rant for the day, ha!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


March isn't usually the month that I need to worry about getting to hot while working or being outside. Except this year in Minnesota isn't like any other year. The past couple of weeks have been 60+ temperatures, which is awesome, but I work at Target, and they are not prepared for this beautiful weather yet either and I get so damn hot when I work it isn't even funny.

I worked on Monday, and about 5 minutes after I started working, literally, I started sweating. Like dripping down my face, my neck everywhere sweating. It is disgusting. I know when I get hot my face gets beat red, I can handle that, but dripping in sweat? Gross. My body has been messed up since I had Riley. My hormones are all out of whack. I am just seriously wondering when things will get back to normal. A lot of issues have taken FOREVER to go back to normal. Has anyone else dealt with this after having a baby? I know I don't so well in heat, but this is ridiculous. I almost passed out even, and I had just ate, full tummy and blah.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Very random post

So, I was on my way to work the other day and I was listening to Katy Perry's CD. Her song E.T. came on, and it got me thinking. Movies and TV shows and just social media have their own perceptions on what aliens look like. Movies a lot of times make them look fairly similar to us, but in all honesty, I highly doubt that they look anything like human beings.

Told you this was a weird post. ha! Anyway, have you seen District 9? That is what I would imagine aliens would look like. Not necessarily bug like looking creatures, but completely different from human beings. It would be pretty boring if every creature in the universe looked the same don't you think? We have so many different species on earth alone that are so very different, so why would anyone think aliens would look like us?

Again, I know very random, but it's been bugging me. Do I think they look like the little space creatures they draw all the time? Not at all, but I do not believe they are close to what humans look like at all.

So, enough with my random alien rant! I added a new page, Character Banners, just a little something extra to expand my portfolio! Enjoy!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Bad Day

I am not sure if this is a feeling all mothers get or not, but some days, I just really feel like I am a bad mother. Not for anything that I particularly did, but Riley was testing me a lot today and I got very frustrated and I just feel if I was a better mother he wouldn't be so naughty. I don't know if I am just being down on myself or what the deal is.

He loves to push buttons on remotes and phones and TVs. Well today, he was pushing our living room TV on and off, it's a big 50 some inch flat screen and turning it on and off takes a few seconds because it needs to fire up, so turning it on and off can't be too good for it. I don't know, I don't know electronics, but I tell him no, move him away, put hi with his other toys, be firm, and he completely ignores what I say or do. Yelling obviously doesn't work with a 14 month old, and I don't yell at him anyway because if you yell, when you are actually mad, they'll never know. Yelling never solves anything, and I am completely against any type of spanking. So I have no idea what to do and I feel like I am just failing,

I was just so out of it today too, that doesn't help either. According to some people, I am not allowed to have days like this though. I know raising a child is hard, and many have people have done it before, but everyone is different and its hard when I don't get that luxury of people understanding that doing this job effects everyone differently. It would be nice to have encouragement from people who see me parenting Riley. When you put people down enough, they start to believe it, heard that before? Same this applies when you don't hear anything good.

Maybe I am just having a bad day, but I hate days like this, and I never want Riley to feel like I am not the best mom ever. Blah to this day!

Monday, January 16, 2012


When I found out that I was pregnant, I always thought that it would bring me closer to my friends, especially the ones who already had kids, but in fact the opposite seemed to happen. Not the fault of my friends at all, it was me. I seemed to become closed off and kept to myself. My relationship with my mom flourished, which was awesome because we were already close, but I am not sure why I held back from my friends. It wasn't a purposeful decision, it just happened. Even my best friend Crystal had said to me "I thought when you became pregnant, that we'd become closer" but nothing really changed.

Even now, I would much rather stay at home with my son, and am not really interested in going out, or leaving him at home while I do something without him. I really don't know why. It's just me and Riley, and I am completely happy with that. It's not that I don't love my friends is that I don't want to hand out with them, I just want to always be with Riley. I am not sire if it is a first time mother thing, a single mother thing, both or neither. It's weird.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Thanks for nothing, Fairview.

I am not usually one to complain about a place too much, there are things I may not like too much about some places, but nothing like this. First of all, I love my OB and NP and of course Riley's doctor but everything else, is a horrible disappointment.

Last Monday, I made an appointment for myself and for Riley as we were both feeling pretty crappy. Riley's appointment went very well, they almost did more then they needed to to ensure that Riley was getting all the care he needed to get better. As far as my appointment, no such luck. I first of all, waited for about 10 minutes in the room, waiting for the doctor to even come in and see me. It was very hot, and of course I was sick, so I started to feel like I was going to throw up. Finally, when the doctor came in, I told her that I was going to through up. She looked at me and rolled her eyes, as if she had better things to do then to deal with a patient who was going to throw up. If i wasn't feeling so horrible, I more then likely would have yelled at her. Once I finally felt that I wasn't going to throw up, I was telling her my symptoms, told her my chest was hurting and I thought that I may have pneumonia, and I wanted to double check because I have a little one at home and the last thing he needs is to catch that. I have had this twice before, so I know the drill and what they test you for to check. She listened to my back/lungs for 30 seconds, and said "You're lungs sound good" and that's all she did to address my chest pain. When I had also told her about pain I have had in my right armpit/boob area, she simply said "Just throw your bra away." Needless to say, she did NOTHING for me, and I still had bad chest pain.

So, I went and saw my NP the very next day. She of course addressed my armpit/boob pain very thoroughly, and listened to my chest, and said that it sounded fine, but if I wanted to do a chest x-ray to be double sure it was clear, that we could do that. Awesome, amazing, just what I wanted, someone to listen and understand. So, I got my chest x-ray done and was told that my NP would have my results by the early to mid afternoon. I didn't get my results until 2 days later. I was livid. I contacted the clinic later that same day, because I was told my results would be in, to see if my results had come in, and they said the lab hadn't sent anything to them and that my NP was off the following day, so I would have to wait a whole day to get my results because no one thought it was important enough to let the patient know what he chest x-ray did show.

I always thought that when you told the hospital that you were having chest pains that they'd jump all over you asap, because chest pains are not good? My pain fell on deaf ears. My NP did what I wanted, which is why I love her, but that hospital cannot do a simple task. My chest x-ray came back clear, but I was still having chest pains. I had mentioned pleurisy to a couple of doctors and that also fell on deaf ears.

It's been about a week since this has all happened. I still have mild chest pain every now and then, and I've been trying multiple different drugs to help with the pain. For the most part it is gone, and I'm feeling better, but I am so disappointed and disgusted with the care I got, that if I have any emergency, I am going to drive my butt down to Regions, or any other hospital because I want to make sure I get better and not ignored.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


It's hard to express your feelings sometimes, and sometimes it is easier to do it where no one will see, I totally get that. I do think some issues need to be talked about though. I try not to be mean, or passive aggressive but let's face it, I come off that way a lot. I don't do it on purpose or with intentions of hurting people, it just comes out. I know what it is like to get upset and hold it in because you either don't want to come across as a bitch or whatever, but I have learned you sometimes just need to talk about things that are bothering you.

I don't expect anyone to do anything for me, but when people do then get mad because I didn't do it myself, how am I suppose to deal with that? I never asked you to do anything so how can you get upset at me about it? There are certain things I beat myself up for, and I feel like I have wasted my precious time with Riley. I don't talk about it because it makes me feel like I am a failure as a mother. I put my own pressure and ideals on myself, its hard to handle other peoples pressure when I never asked for it.

Those are just my thoughts.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


It is so crazy to me to think that this time last year, I had a 5 day old baby. Wow. I wasn't expecting him until January 8th, he arrived 10 days early! My life hasn't been the same since, it's been more wonderful then I could every imagine!!