Monday, August 20, 2012

Sad thoughts :(

The hardest thing in the world for me is dating. It has always been a problem. I was always the girl in high school who wanted a boyfriend so bad, but never got one, or if I did, not a very good one. My high school "sweetheart" and I broke up with my high school boyfriend in 2001,a few months after I graduated, and went about 2-3 years without dealing with guys, just focusing on school and what not, then I decided to chase my dream of being an Professional Wrestler. Oh yeah, you read that correctly. Check me out!

Anyway, I started wrestling and I met a lot of awesome people, and a lot of guys. But the same things happened here just like they did in high school. Always wanted to date someone but no one wanted to seriously date,or if thy did, they were not good for me. I eventually quit, for multiple reasons, but I really needed to get away from the drama.

So I leave wrestling, and meet guys here and there at the bars or places I went to hang out with my friends. Again, not good guys for me. So I decide to try a dating website. I signed up for and that is where I met Jon. That is where everything changed for me. Jon was super cute and we got along great, I really like him and vice versa, and I remember him saying to me one night when we were driving around. He said "I'm scared/sad because I really like you." Little did I know at the time, the reason he said that was because he was an alcoholic and he knew he was going to destroy me, and that's exactly what he did.

Me and Jon were together for about 8 months. He never abused me or anything horrible like that,  but what he did was tear apart all my trust and faith that I had in people. He got me to completely fall for him before he told me he was an alcoholic, and of course by then, I had already fallen for him, so like any naive girl, I wanted to help him. I know now that people with addiction can only get help if they want it, and they have to do a lot of it alone, mentally. Back then, I didn't know that. I would have done anything for him, I drove him to get beer all the time, snuck booze for him at my parents house everything. Eventually he cheated on me. By that time he was tired of my parents I think, they could see him for what he was, but of course I couldn't. And like a fool, I took him back. He eventually left to go stay with his "friend" in another state, which he told me later , he got her pregnant. He came back into my life a few times since then and it took all my strength that I have built up since he destroyed me and the help of my friend Jamie, who was the one he cheated on me with (we didnt know each other at the time) to tell him I was done and to not call me anymore.

After that whole mess, when I met guys or got into a relationship, things were different. I started to nit pick people so I wouldn't like them anymore, so I wouldn't get hurt. Of course, that doesn't work because I got hurt even more in the end. Sadly, this still seems to be the case. It happened wit Riley's father too, but I forced myself to move past it, and I was starting to, then that whole mess happened. I'm ashamed I have allowed these men to mess me up so badly, but I don't know how to fix it. I feel they have turned me into this shallow girl who demands perfection or I will just through possible love interests away.

I so deeply want to be in love and have a bigger family, I have said to my friends before that if it was just me and Riley for the rest of my life I'd be okay with that, and I honestly would, I guess I just ever thought that is actually what it will end up being. I just hate what has happened to me and I don't know how to fix i, to find that love that is waiting for me.

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